Invictious 1995

Lets start with how do I feel compared to how I felt…..
The year was 1995… I was hot in my graduation robe in that day in May. The first time I graduated, I was a mess a pure class a certified mess. I initially graduated in May of 1993 with a BA in english and media journalism. To me that degree was useless, I had no intention of going into television news, especially after how I saw how the televison news bastardized black folk. I saw a woman get shot and killed at a bank robery. Now how seeing that at the impressionable age of 22 was like damn. I was one of 3 african americans in the news room and I was the intern. To see that death played over and over and over again in the news room and the gross insenstitivy toward the victim's family was just too much for me to bare… So I in short had a useless degree. When I graduated in 93 I actually had a bottle of teqella under my robe, the night before I had lets see, one glass of concac, one martini, one glass of champaing. The next morning, I had a hangover. So what do I decide to do? Fix it with tequila and organge juice mixed inside of a squeeze bottle. I was so stupid then-- who in the hell drinks at a graduation cerimony especially at a theirs. Chalk one up for our side. I had so much nerve I actually made it a point to get on the television news that day saying how perpared I was to "carpe deim" seize the day. With a 2.3 GPA no demo reel, no real news experience and a useless degree here I was ready to take on the day, well actually take my place in the long line of invisible people with a resume to try to get a job. It was embarassing, especially to my mom who had just completed her Ph.D. The word she used was sham. It was a sham graduation because I had been a piss poor student. Her companion, another Ph.D. who also worked in the same departmnt where I obtained my degree was in total agreement. So much to the point that for my graduation presnet, I got something I would always take with me. An eviction notice. Yes, the two of them comspired against me to let me know that this was the real world and my academic career was over. Damn.. I guess the message didn't really make sense until I saw the locksmith come to change the locks I had not now a key. IN fact what I did have was two hours actually to collect what I had of value and get out. Man when I think about it now, especially in hindsight, I think then I really found out who my real friends were. I could count them on one finger. My girlfriend was not in that group… in fact, my relationship at that time with here was hanging on a thread at best, and that thread was unravelling by the second. In one night of passion, that eve of my BA graduation, I really felt that I was in a monogous relatinoship.. What's the pharse in that song, young, dumb and full -- you can pretty much figure out the rest. In June, I was told that I was going to be a father. Damn, this is my fault, my fault.. My life is now offically over, I have successfully failed life. At her apartment one day I made the faital mistake and answerd the phone. Some dude was on the other line.. When he heard my voice and abrouptly got off the phone saying OhMy God, one and one suddlenly started adding up to four. One woman, two men and one baby.. Either I was incredilby dumb or I had been set up in some incredibly rediculous plot.. Either way two things had to happen. A decision had to be made regarding the pregnancy and our relationship. Using the logic of finicances, we both decided that right now would not be the time to bring a baby into the world and this is where my one friend at that time comes in. JR-- John Ross, who allowed me to sleep on his bunk bed at his dad's house while I was evicted loaned me the money for the abortion. During that time, he too was going through some beef of his own. His girlfriend had put him through changes. As he was breaking up with her, during their property settelement there was a minor dispute regarding a gold chain. She wanted to keep it, he wanted it back. Again, phalic logic intervened and one two hundered dollar VCR went flying out the window her apartment. A few hours later, come the university police to cart him off to jail. Don't you just see the bling bling flashing billboard with the word DAMN in the backgound…. Well the funny thing was she was calling me telling me who sorry she was to call the police on him…I'm like Joe Pecschi in Goodfellas, "You stupid dumbass what the fuck is wrong with you. You the one with the black belt in Karate, why didn't you just break his arm or something.. You got my man in jail and he's workinging a white collar computer company and now you decide to be sorry about it! You are damnest fool I done seen in my whole damn life. " Well by August, things had pretty much gotten back to well some degree of normalcy. JR was out of jail with out a record. His exgirlfriend was pursusaded to drop the charges. My future exgirlfriend went through with the abortion and I was finally back at home. See working at a box factory, where people strictly don't give a damn about you really has a humbeling factor to it.. I was willing to pay rent of about 125 per month, I had a job and I actually had some news for mom and E. I was going to go back to school.
They both laughed as they contiued to drink their wine. OK then-- they don't want to take me seriouslly, fine, I'll have earn their respect and after that, respectfully, they could kiss my tail because I was determined that I was not finished with school and that I actually could master this thing called college. The first semester I decied to take one class. I got an A. My first 4.0 average. The next semester I took three classes becaue Mom was like anybody could take a class and get an A. Fine mommie dearest, fine.. So after I had my infamous I-40 breakup, I applied myself and guess what, I did it again. I sustaind a 4.0 average. By this time I was detoxing myself of one reationship while becoming enmoured of another woman. She was black and korean. She was cute, had the prefect mix of crazy sexy and cool. But to her I was the infamous friend. She was in the same graduate program I was in at NCCU. Anyway, that summer I decided to contiue w- school because I really had momentum.. Unfortuantely what I didn't have was reliable transportation. My pontiac ferio suffered a major blow. One wheel went left while the car went right. In my face was again my mother saying you need to get a job. I am like silently saying to myself- ma I love you but you really starting to get on my nerves.. In spite of her naging, I contiued with summer school taking one psychology class and one statistics class. My 4.0 average took a small hit. I got an A in the psyche class while I got a hard B in the stats class. Here I was in the fall of 1994 with one more semester of course work to go and I needed to start writing my thesis. How was I going to get to class duing this time.. Well that's when I took up roller blading.. Roller blading to the bus stop, rollerblading to class. And to my job on campus.. Some how, I remainded strong despite my fraterny borther's protests. What the hell does a Kappa man look like rollerblading to class. I had a two word answer for them.. Fuck Them, this was my degree and I had to hearn it, and nobody inclding my mother was going to stand in my way. In may of 1995 I graduated with a MA -- with honors. My mother and other critics were silenced.. How did he do it? How did a person with such a low undergraduate GPA finish a masters program in two years with honors. Simple, I was defiant. I was defiant as a kid which proably meant I was destined to be defiant as an adult. This graduation was different, I was sober and scared, but at least I admitted that I was afraid as opposed to drwoning my fears in alcohol. During that time I had manged to pop another shocker on them, I was admitted to a Ph.D. program- Howard Univeristy accepted me in their program of human commucation studeis.. Well what are you going to do they asked……
I was like awe struck because I actually had options as an adult as opposed to choices. Options meant I had some sense of agency where as choices I signified as the reminants of being the victim of circumstance. The other ooption on the table was the opprotuntiy to work at the norht carolina school of science in math based in Durham.. Make money or get the Ph.D. I had this reationship I established with money so I made a compromise, I would work at NCSSM for one year and if I didn't like it, hell go straight to DC and get a taste of life in the big city….. One Sunday night in September, as E walked out of the door, circumstances knocked on the door and suddenly, just when I thought I was out of the fell clutches of circumstance, those mother fuckers pulled me back in…….