Recovery Update

Its been a few months since I can honestly say that I have had a relapse. Emotional relapses are costly. Don't get me wrong; there are times I get angry, but the positive side to anger is that it's normal to be angry. Now when I am angry, like last week with the loss of my iPhone, did I go ballistic? Certainly not, it's just chalked up as a loss and learning experiences as what to and what not to do regarding the security of my pocket electronics. One thing I have done is take up the interest in Olympic weightlifting. Unequivocally, this transition has taken some physical tolls on my body. The stress I was under can easily contribute to higher levels of cholesterol and simply put, that's not good. When faced with emotional upheaval some folks turn to food. Me, I am the exact opposite; I just will not eat. I will withdraw and uncharacteristic to the African American male cool pose stereotype, I will bawl and cry in the floor. So here's what happened: in December 2009, I was in the floor bawling. January 2010, sobbing. February 2010, sniffling. March 2010, weeping. April 2010, a tear would fall. During that time I went from 175 to 158. Yeah, crying mixed with not eating is a hell of a weight loss program, but I don't recommend it :-). During this time I was copping, though I had not fully accepted what had happened. For me, life represented a haze where I would just go through the motions. But as I did that I did find myself going back to my gym with some regularity. As I later found out, healthy exercise does wonders for the mind. The endorphins release a type of dopamine which in turn travel via the neural transmitters to areas of the brain. Among these areas are locations that regulate emotion. So in essence, the gym really worked out for me, I know, bad pun for me. I think by challenging myself physically and mentally has and does continue to enable me to visualize success. No I am not going to get 1000 pounds over my head, though I have leg presses 1080 pounds, doing something like that, pushing my body to limits I didnt know it had really translates into new found self confidence. From the physical accomplishments, for me at least, they extend into academic, social, spiritual, and parental gold stars. As with anyone, I had and still negotiate the politics of self esteem. I am very self conscious about my image. I mean literally, my face I've always thought needed tweaking. My body image, I can work on that. Those things I can work on but the sting of rejection never really goes away, it just gets layered, if you are lucky. In my case, you would think I have a strong foundation but I don't. I am just a fragile regarding my emotions as anyone else. It just so happens when you turn 40, you become certified to tell people what you really think and the consequences become more or less a moot point. In my case, relapses turn into days of recovery. From recovery comes reinvention.

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Was I a militant

What a dumb question to ask myself. Was I a radical? Again, a dumb question to ask myself. Its ironic that I find myself asking these question on MLK day 2011. But as I sit back and think about my previous MLK day experiences, I am left with a resounding YES. I go back to my NCSSM years, possibly my most embryonic years with being racially conscious and I don't think any of the moves I made there were any less different than Dr. King. I remember on one particular celebration, I made a speech where I challenged the dynamics of color and how color plays such a role in our society. How we have this association with all things white being good and all things not white being bad. When I made this association with the White House, students lost their damn minds. But that was the tip of the iceberg. Looking on my Iphone at the various MLK day celebrations of life and opportunities for service, I saw that NCSSM had again touted their MLK day celebration in the news paper. Curious, I looked and really didn't see any activities planned. Thinking back at my tenure there as the staff council president, I was left asking myself how effective was I as the staff council liaison to the NCSSM Board. In a hypothetical press conference, I found myself addressing my performance 10 years later by saying, some folks would say I single handedly crashed the NCSSM staff council. On the other hand, some folks would say that I was Quixotic, meaning there was not a fight I wouldn't back away from. The middle for me was this, I represented the people who elected me while at the same time, taking no shit from anyone. Now of course this is not the language of King, nor Malcolm X. It's a bit of a post modern neo soul radical who was the son of Shaft and Coffey who's favorite uncle was SuperFly. How do I begin to qualify this? There were numerous experiences which forced me to learn how the North Carolina Office of State Personnel System worked. Some were opportunities while some were just straight up land mines. In either case, I was thrust into a system that really treated workers like property and less like human beings. If you were African American, the system I worked in was pretty much like indentured servitude with unrealistic expectations, or at least they were in my case. I was unfairly disciplined, under equipped with resources, and was subjected to second class citizenry. In other words, I felt to a great degree my tenure at NCSSM under my immediate supervisor was that of Nigger. I've always said this. You don't have to say the word, but actions breath life into the word's personification. That's how I felt. Having said that, I worked hard to allow my body of work there to be antithetical while at the same time, trying desperately to maintain some sense of cultural and raced identity. Beyond the theory, I flash forward to when I was elected the Staff Council president/chairperson. For some, this was their dream while a nightmare to others. In my first three months, I managed to placed in the cross hairs of being fired. (No pun intended) By the age of 33 I grew tired of being treated as the Kafir Boy, particularly by my immediate supervisor. Many folks were saying to me, look Russell, this is the way things are. My internal reaction was, fuck that shit. You are White, so naturally it's easy for you to say that. You're not oppressed by your supervisor, let alone by society. However, recognizing the politics of diplomacy, I stated, I beg to disagree and kept it moving. Doing some sidebar research, I found that even the sate of NC concurred that African American males were begin treated disparately. Well as from provisos entries, I was suspended after pretty much saying to my superiors, you are not going to treat me this way. As the story goes, I suffered a panic attack which escalated into a full blown nervous breakdown. Taking a three month leave of absence, I had to collect myself and decide who was I? Did I want to take my episode lying down. After some consultation with my therapist, I went back to work, no change of supervisor, no type of accommodation made by the institution. In short, I elected to go back to hell. However, I couldn't change the people who were oppressing me, so I had to change my responses. From a strategic standpoint, many folk, particularly my supervisor, knew I was still emotionally fragile. In fact, this was capitalized upon. Taking a hyper aggressive stance, my supervisor took it upon themselves to continue harassing me. It all came to a head one day when she snatched a piece of paper out of my hand. This represented one of those moments of truths. Do I leave the building in tears never to return or do I smack the teeth out of her mouth? See one of those two things in her mind was supposed to happen. Realizing this was a trap, I left the building and promptly made my way to the city magistrate's office and took out a warrant for her arrest for simple assault. I had a two track playing in my head.. The first track was, man are you sure you want to do this? The other track was saying light the bitch up by any and all means. I apparently wasn't too phased because my fiance and I had a martini and I smoked a cigar later that evening. Of course, came repercussions. The next day, again a Martin Luther King day, I'm coming to the table of brotherhood with the Director of Human Resources, The Director of Campus Security, The Executive Vice President and I think one other person. It was me against Whiteness, I was the only brother there. Russell, one asked, tell us what happened. I think it was calculated arrogance mixed with Angela Basset when she is smoking a cigaret after setting a car on fire. She did this, I did that, and here we are. Of course here comes the question of why. Again, I am hearing the conflicting voices in my head. The passive voice is more timid where the other voice, well, I'm just happy that passivity won out. Simply put, I stated, you failed to address what I perceived as a threat to my mental health, because of your inability to act, I had to re-act with measures which protected my health first and foremost. On numerous occasions I stated there was a problem and you refused to listen on numerous occasions. Of course hindsight is a bitch isn't it, well we're listening now. Russell, is it true, you took out a warrant for her arrest? I have no reason to lie about that, in fact here is the paper, were I you, I would recommend you let her know as opposed to her being busted and taken away in police cuffs. (in the back of my mind, I am thinking, this is exactly what the heifer needs) Russell, what are we supposed to do with this? I don't know; I expect you to do as you have done in the past, nothing. That said, I went back to my office and I think someone told her to leave me the hell alone because she was a changed person. I think this is where I pretty much began the cycle of taking no more shit. In fact, in one of my staff council episodes, I remember having a meeting and asking the human resources director to leave. It was there at that meeting where I pretty much said that administration was making deals with under the table providing select departments with salary upgrades as opposed to following a system which was publicly agreed upon. Of course this pissed people off but it was the truth. I even had to place the vice president of operations in check I won't even say I was polite.. He tried to play the president of the institution against me, saying the president said I don't have to turn over public documents to you because he said you and he made a deal. Fed up I was like this; dude, you are either going to do it or not. I can't make you do anything. Just know if you don't, you're breaking the law, of which I am obligated as a custodian of the state of North Carolina to report. That and a stern letter from the ACLU, pretty much solidified my no BS policy.
Was I King, no.
Was I Malcolm, no.
Was I Harriet Tubman, no.
Was I Angela Davis, no
Was I militant and radical, yes. I guess I had some good teachers.

Openly, I am a little pissed today

The BlaquePhone Gen3 has been hijacked. BlaquePhone Gen3 aka my IPhone 4 got lifted today as was heading to teach a class. This stupid holster--the otterbox which did me right with BlaquePhone Gen2, aka Iphone 3G. I am going through cellular withdrawal. I never thought it would happen. But it did and I have to reviver. I was going buy an IPad as an early graduation present for myself but now I don't know. Maybe its all for the best. The Geek Gods have informed me that the IPad II will be coming out in March with the same camera front and back just like IPhone 4. So when you think about it, I'm kinda paying for it up front. I loved my IPhone, I am not even going to try to lie about it. Since they launched the face time app for the Mac, oh I have been imagining how I can use this for classes and virtual field trips. I mean man, I'll have it back tomorrow. So my positivity is short lived. Its a phone, not a bible.
Dissertation wise, I feel good. I am in Chapter 5 and have some made some headway. I hope to really put it to bed by Jan 20 so I can get ready for the pre-defense. I've got one job lined up already and I would love to have another offer for fall 2011. I love teaching at the university level and hope to continue to do that. I had a great class today with my newest Mass Comm students, though I think they are a bit intimidated. I had an excellent teacher whom I model myself after. He came to class, didn't open a book, just started spitting knowledge. That's who I wanted to be like when I was 20. Just come in with the knowledge in your head and know the theorist, and connect the applications with theoretical examples and the real world. That to me is a mark of an excellent teacher.. I hope I can come close not only in my ability to teach but also in my scholarship.
Well if I had my phone, I could say how many days I had until graduation--but I can can always count. The bottom line though is that there will be no graduation if this dissertation doesn't get completed.. so this weekend, back on my grind.!!!

Welcome to 2011

Man I am so happy to see 2010 go away. That's one year I hope not to see again. It was just too damn rough. So here is where I start the new years resolutions... whoever came up with that I will never know.

1) complete my degree-- I am starting chapter 5 the last chapter!!!!! of my dissertation.
2) drop 30 pounds... there i said it. I want to drop 30 pounds but I want it to be fat an not muscle.
3) get a tenure track job in north carolina as opposed to out of state.
4) start the path to buying a house..
4a) become more fiscally responsible
5) be an even better role model to my son
6) become more spiritually aware...
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Enough resolutions, now its time to put the plan into action---