Recovery Update

Its been a few months since I can honestly say that I have had a relapse. Emotional relapses are costly. Don't get me wrong; there are times I get angry, but the positive side to anger is that it's normal to be angry. Now when I am angry, like last week with the loss of my iPhone, did I go ballistic? Certainly not, it's just chalked up as a loss and learning experiences as what to and what not to do regarding the security of my pocket electronics. One thing I have done is take up the interest in Olympic weightlifting. Unequivocally, this transition has taken some physical tolls on my body. The stress I was under can easily contribute to higher levels of cholesterol and simply put, that's not good. When faced with emotional upheaval some folks turn to food. Me, I am the exact opposite; I just will not eat. I will withdraw and uncharacteristic to the African American male cool pose stereotype, I will bawl and cry in the floor. So here's what happened: in December 2009, I was in the floor bawling. January 2010, sobbing. February 2010, sniffling. March 2010, weeping. April 2010, a tear would fall. During that time I went from 175 to 158. Yeah, crying mixed with not eating is a hell of a weight loss program, but I don't recommend it :-). During this time I was copping, though I had not fully accepted what had happened. For me, life represented a haze where I would just go through the motions. But as I did that I did find myself going back to my gym with some regularity. As I later found out, healthy exercise does wonders for the mind. The endorphins release a type of dopamine which in turn travel via the neural transmitters to areas of the brain. Among these areas are locations that regulate emotion. So in essence, the gym really worked out for me, I know, bad pun for me. I think by challenging myself physically and mentally has and does continue to enable me to visualize success. No I am not going to get 1000 pounds over my head, though I have leg presses 1080 pounds, doing something like that, pushing my body to limits I didnt know it had really translates into new found self confidence. From the physical accomplishments, for me at least, they extend into academic, social, spiritual, and parental gold stars. As with anyone, I had and still negotiate the politics of self esteem. I am very self conscious about my image. I mean literally, my face I've always thought needed tweaking. My body image, I can work on that. Those things I can work on but the sting of rejection never really goes away, it just gets layered, if you are lucky. In my case, you would think I have a strong foundation but I don't. I am just a fragile regarding my emotions as anyone else. It just so happens when you turn 40, you become certified to tell people what you really think and the consequences become more or less a moot point. In my case, relapses turn into days of recovery. From recovery comes reinvention.