FX of Stress

Today I had an attack. A panic attack. I really don't like to talk about them but unfortunately I actually have them. This part of the legacy I have from NCSSM. Fortunately, this has been the only one of the year.

OK, as I sigh, what is a panic attack like? Well--I can only speak from my own experience because everyone responds to stress differently. In my case my heart begins to beat a little faster than normal. That's what I like to call stage one. This usually can be controlled by slow deep breathing. I breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. The breathing is preformed from my diaphragm. How I know how to do this, I don't know it's just instinctive. Stage two is a bit different. The heart beat is faster and my head begins to get a little dizzy. My breathing is a bit faster. But some how I am still cognizant. I am in control of my faculties and I usually can still self regulate. I know that I have to take some time away from the immediate situation or stimulus and go back to stage one self regulation. Deep breathing and mentally refocusing on something that calms me down. Usually this is a picture of a lake or water hitting rocks. In some cases I need actual physical stimulus to touch. There is some tactile response. Touching my dog or some furry animal usually brings things into a clearer perspective. It is at this time where I usually have to take one dose of clonazapam. That's a drug which is used by those with epilepsy to arrest a sezure. That's somewhat of a prophylactic. Stage three is usually pretty hard to address. I've hit stage three a few times I have hit stage three more with meds as opposed to without. What is stage three like? Stage three is heavy duty. This usually comes about from multiple stressors from the mind becomes inundated or flooded. The flight or fight mechanism becomes activated meaning my body is in a state readiness to do that "gamma radiation alters his body chemistry," type stuff. Strangely there is some truth to that. When I had my first real attack, at the age of 20, (I had just discovered my girlfriend had been cheating) I became extremely angry ripping a sink out of a wall. I think the other time this happened was when I experienced a tremendous sense of powerlessness working at NCSSM for an oppressive supervisor. Mind you this episode in my life took the course of some seven to nine years. The first time I panicked there I wound up in the emergency room going through a battery of cardiac tests. This was in 1998. The second time this happened involving NCSSM, from what I remember, my entire body seized up. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. This lasted for nearly 2 and a half hours. I really didn't want to tell anyone about this because the impression society has of people who experience this is that, you can't handle stress. Not good under pressure. One of the unwritten rules of our family is that we don't really believe that much in psychiatric assistance because we have Jesus. Being I am one who backs up Jesus with Buddhism I am pretty sure that some folk in the fam would say, that's your problem, you don't go to church enough, you don't practice Christianity and because of that God is punishing you. Yes we have folks in our family who this way, along with those who believe in republicanism. Stage three is probably among the worst of my panic attacks because that's then when I really need help. I usually need someone to "talk me down." At stage three, I have to take a double dose of my clonazapam because that functions almost like a nervous system reboot. When my emotional state is flooded to the point where I cannot cope, when I am quiet, my muscles have seized up and I get the 1000 yard stare I am in deep trouble because then I will hyperventilate or in todays episode, a new symptom manifest itself: my right hand involuntary began to shake/shiver. I was really scarry. All this was happening as I was driving. So if you have read through this point you kinda know the pattern. Two pills along with deep breathing and wham-- I didn't wake up for six hours. --

Now how do I feel -- physically I am fine. No twitching-a little residue fatigue but othewsie OK. Emotionally I am so drained. I feel as though I am wounded in the sense where I am not supposed to have this type of disorder. I don't like mentally falling apart. To me it demonstrates weakness. I'm supposed to be calm cool and collected under preasure. Unfortunately that's not the case. Society and I think I have even bought into the fallacy of cool pose. Stress doesn't phase me. Can't cop out. I really messes with your self confidence. Part of our family mantra goes back to the notion possibly of William T Russell who probably stated I don't get strokes I give em. Feeling or emoting. Is that something African American brothers are allowed to do. If we do emote -- show our emotion there are a plethora of negative emotions linked to that display, from the dominant society as well as our own. If we don't emote, then we open ourselves up to a plethora of physical damage, hypertension, strokes, ulcers, cancer, self medication.

I don't know how to do this and do it right-- be an African American (African by design American by trade), a good husband (financially stable as well as a loving partner), the quintessential dad (I had father figures but not a stable father) and a supportive son. To do all this and be productive while being aggressive and ambitious setting high standards living up to high standards it’s a challenge. I wonder how the William Russells and their brothers who proceeded me did it and made it look so easy?--