Ain't Nothing but a D-Thing: A Black Man's Journey Through Separation and Divorce

Forward:
If you can remember these three constants about separation and divorce, you may actually make it through:
1) War is Hell
2) Life’s a Bitch and of course,
3) Shit happens.
Its like a three act play when you think about it.
The first act starts the action. One day, after a series of months maybe even years, you will look at your spouse or partner and say, Damn I can’t stand you or your ways anymore. Now, it may not come out that straight forward. Your first act might start with a more passive aggressive tone. You may come home, and be met with your shit at the door. Maybe the locks might be changed. Sometimes, the first act starts like an action movie. You may come home, go upstairs to your closed bedroom door and find your spouse in bed with the best man of your wedding, or your maid of honor. As your jaw drops to the ground, you instantly jump across the bed like a vampire in twilight, going for the throat of your spouse and the transgressor. Or, it might be more coy. You get the phone call about your spouse from the other woman. “I know he’s your husband, but I know he wasn’t your husband when he had that business trip with me in Nashville on January 24th. I can tell you of a certain tattoo located in a rather intimate place.” Or your first act might start out like a mafia movie. You might get the Good Fellas treatment where the brass knuckles are not too far behind. Out of nowhere, absolutely nowhere you are caught off guard. You’re walking off the job and you are met by a process server or deputy sheriff who instructs you, they will escort you to your home where you are able to collect the tools of your trade and a few items of clothes. Why? Because a protective order has been placed against you. Now while you are thinking about committing some of the acts you were accused of, that officer is there to save your life, because in the presence of the officer, you aren’t going to cross the line. In any event, if any of this has happened to you, welcome to the terror dome. You are about to board a rollercoaster ride beyond Space Mountain. War has been declared, and this is not a drill.

Separation/Divorce (War) is Hell, and has, in case you didn’t get the memo, Officially Been Declared

Separation and divorce don’t have to be states of war, however, as human beings, we thrive on conflict. Its like a sick adrenalin rush. We love the smell of war. The pain, strangely connects us back to the human side of life as opposed to bliss. I have yet to hear anyone say, I am in divorce bliss! No, being in a state of war enables us to finally say all that vile venomous vernacular which we have had pent up for months or even years.
I couldn’t stand you, or your damn mama. Kiss my black ass, not my ass hole but my whole entire ass. See what I mean. If you are married, and you are smart, you don’t act on it. You can think about it, but you don’t do it. That said, when the declaration of separation has been issued, war has officially been declared.

Life is a Bitch (and so are you for that matter)

During the separation and even during the divorce, your life will be bitchy. Lets face it, you will become a certifiable bitch. You will be bitching and moaning, why because your life has been completely discombobulated. There will be moments when you are straight-up depressed. Your heart is broken. You are mad not at the world, but at your spouse. That said, the world is a more readily available target, ergo you are hyper sensitive and bordering self-destructive. You may choose to self medicate. It may happen. You may go totally over the edge and make the 6:00 news (in which case you may not be reading this). Or, if you are lucky, truly blessed with family and friends who actually give a damn about your bitchy ass, you may make it. You may actually navigate yourself through this crucial cerebral mind field turning the corner to the next critical step, acceptance.

Shit (and Separation/Divorce) Happens
You can then say shit happens. Yeah, that was a part of my life. You can clearly identify the good parts and the bad parts and embrace both when appropriate. Your outlook on the world wont appear discolored. You can take what you have recently experienced, and just call it a chapter in the book called your life, as opposed to the final act, the curtain call where they lower your ass into the ground.

The purpose of these writings is two-fold. One, for me these writings are cathartic. If you don’t know what that word means, look it up. I consider myself in a process of healing and my journaling represents a healthy constructive antidote to the pain, sleepless nights and the long road to new self-discovery. The second reason for these writings is to help you the reader. I take it if you are reading this, your number just as mine, has come up; so, come on down, you’re the next contestant on catch the beat-down. You can make it. I am not promising that it will be a smooth trip at a cruising altitude of 40,000 feet. There will be times you will want to jump out of the plane without the damned parachute. Certainly, that option is available to you; but as I say that, realize this, bailing is a permanent solution to what really represents a temporary problem. By the time this comes to print, I will probably have the title of Ph.D. beside my name. Disclaimer: I am stating now for the record, that my Ph.D. has little, if anything to do with these writings. Furthermore, no I am not a psychologist, a relationship therapist, or someone with the brand new snake oil to sell. What I am, is you, Joe Ordinary. I, like you have and still in some cases have navigated through the maze of bitterness, toxicity, court, lawyers, child social services, you name it; I’ve had to face it. It ain’t easy. I am hoping that these writings will help you as there weren’t any out there for me, an African American man. I spent nights on the floor, crying at friends homes, searching laboriously through book stores, and for me, there really weren’t that many support services, let alone books or texts on the subject. In social sciences, this is what we would consider a research dearth. In layman’s terms, a hole, in Russell speak, I call it a damn shame. At the risk of sounding political, sure there are texts or books if you will that problematize black men and problematize the relationship between black men and black women; but there are few and far between any books which discuss healthy black marriages, let alone a healthy black divorce. Looking back at my family, I mean my grandparents, on my wedding day, you would never believe that my grandmother took a shot or two at my grandfather with her pistol. Divorce was not practiced in the late 1950s through 1975. Their generation believed in “death do us part.” More times than you would think, death operated as the agent of divorce. But now, if you do go through the divorce, some folk don’t know how to do it in a reasonable manner. When the separation/divorce becomes chaotic, anger driven, and malicious, love then becomes a battlefield. Last I checked; battles have yet to be bloodless. There has yet to be a war where there are no casualties. What’s even worse, if children are involved, they regrettably are the victims of collateral damage. I can speak to that because my parents divorced, and no, they did not prepare the best model for marriage or divorce. It’s only recently that I have now started to dress the wounds from 1978. Going with my mom, not knowing if my parents would get back together again, being one of the first generation latch key kids, anesthetizing myself with television; there are sometimes I wonder, what if my parents did separate and divorce in an amicable way, what would my potential really have been? In short, I am not writing this proposing to know all the answers. Again, this is a form of healing for me and a vehicle for you to possibly see yourself and look at this as one of the many available routes to get through possibly one of the most agonizing experiences you will ever go through.
As I would say, were we in a class setting, I have few a ground rules. They are short, yet still important.

1) No hating. For real, you cannot hate on me, but most important, you can’t hate on yourself.

2) Patience is essential. As you read through my experiences, the expectation is that you, the reader, will take notes about your experiences. How did you find out your relationship was in a terminal state. How did you feel? How did you manage your anger? How did you avoid self-medicating? Questions like these and others are powerful and need to be explored. I encourage you to read this text with others and talk about it. Each one should teach one and you would be amazed at the willful lack of communication we have among ourselves. Establish a meetup group, discuss your experiences in the barber shop. Whatever you do, practice and discuss your experiences.

3) Construct a new life mission. By the time you finish these readings, I expect you to have come full circle with yourself. This means, you should be inspired to re-design a plan to re-connect with yourself. Again, its not going to be easy. But hopefully, through my shared experiences, as comical as they may actually be, I had to do some internal and external make-overs. For me to be successful and provide a home that embraces love for my son, my outlook on life had to change. From that day, I became solution oriented. I became more critical and analytical about my decisions, my journey and the life I wanted to provide for my little boy. You will need to brainstorm and get to the point where you can say, damn it, I do love myself and screw the person who gave me grief and the horse they road in on every day of the week, twice on Sunday. Ironically, that may mean having to look your self in the mirror and saying that to the person on the other side.

4) Honesty is key. If you did some dirt, admit it. There are some things I did, skills I didn’t have.. That said, own it. Does it mean I am a screw up for life? No, in fact it demonstrates maturity. Knowing your limitations, whatever they may be forces cognizance and a means for new learning. Do me and money have a blissful relationship? No. Does it mean I am a failure? No. What it does mean, is that I have to learn skills to establish a better relationship with money. You may need to establish a relationship with communication skills. You may need to establish a relationship with sobriety. Whatever it is, own your limitations. It’s not a condemnation. In fact by owning your limitations, you can then begin to master them. As you own and master your limitations, you then start to become the master of your own fate. Master your limitations; don’t allow your limitations to master you. From there, everything else is a piece of cake baby.

5) I will not go over the cliff with you! Let me repeat that. I WILL NOT go over the cliff with you. It’s that simple; that short; that sweet. I will talk to you in the same manner I have talked to my students. In fact that probably got me the reputation of being that crazy one with the dreads. I have been known to shred my student’s work, literally to prove this one point. I’m hard; but life, life is ten times harder than me. If you don’t have high expectations for yourself, don’t expect me to waste my time with you. Failing my class is one thing. Failing life is something totally different. As long as you put forth the effort to swim, I will not let you drown. I will work with you in the class and outside of the class to make sure you don’t fail my class or life for that matter. That said, I will look over the side of the cliff with you. I will even allow you to tie a rope around me as you decide to explore the other side of the cliff. But when you start dragging me too close to the edge of said cliff, I will take out my machete and cut the rope like Indiana Jones, leaving you like Maxwell House, good to the last drop. That all boils down to my zero tolerance for bull shit. I am not going to bull shit you. Most important you shouldn’t want to bull shit yourself. If in the event bullshit arises, you are to take the book you are reading, to the nearest mirror and sufficiently smack the bullshit out of yourself. Once you have completed this task, you will then be free to move about the cabin, return back to your seat picking the up place in the text where you left off.

Simple isn’t it. Five easy rules to easily reading this text. You will make it. It may take you multiple readings and practice but if you put forth a real effort, be an engaged, active reader, you will make it through this. All I ask is once you have made it through, you pay it forward. Have discussion groups, learn to minimally use lawyers (unless it’s a 911 situation) learn effective means of communication, create your support groups, actively and creatively use therapy, journal: do all this and then some so that you can teach the next one how to get through this. If you can do that, and nothing else works, I’ll help you. But you have got to take the first step. As one of my good friends told me, your past and I are done. I am here in the present, to get you to here, your future.