Money, Shoes, and, Computers

"A dollar is a terrible thing to waste"

There is the co-parent who is mentally sober and then there is the co-parent who is not. I have the challenge of working with both. I came to an interesting milestone of sorts recently. It has now been six months since the separation. Six months. Do I still get angry, yes. Do I still miss her, yes, Do I still want our relationship to work itself out, yes. Do I still have a candle in the window, no. These are the times I play that song by Carol King, “Well its too late baby, yes it’s too late, though we really did try and make it.” Then there are times when I hear other songs like “Never ever going to give you up,” by the late Barry White. Too bad no-one has ever written a song about the bipolar blues. Another aspect of this disorder, as one who really loves his spouse soon to be ex spouse, is that when the disease, the mania kicks in, the anti-self, its as though you are dealing with a child: not to sound insulting, but there are characteristics of being highly impulsive, irrationality, extreme mood swings, aside from a host of things you just don’t think you will ever understand.

Here is an adventure I had with impulse buying:
After our initial separation and our reuniting (cause it felt so good), I didn’t stop to think about how the money was going out the window, let alone, walking out the door. In fact, because I am the type of person who loves peace and quiet, I had grown immune to what anyone could see was spending gone wild. Enter the computer summit of 2009. I made the decision that it was time to switch computers. My HP was crashing. It was slow, it couldn’t multi-task and frankly I had gotten to the point where I was questioning if it would be able to perform during my dissertation phase. Being the tech geek that I was and still am, I concluded it was time to make the big switch, from PC to Mac. The only problem is that Macs are expensive. I like to think of the PC and windows operating system as GM, where as the Mac is like a Mercedes. As a rule, we felt it was best that we discuss big-ticket purchase items. The way our budget was then, 150 dollars and up required a sit-down or meeting to discuss if the purchase was feasible. My Mac was no different. We were talking about it in what I like to refer to as “our bubble,” the bedroom/office.
“Jean,” I say, “You know my student aid money is coming in January. You also know my PC crashed this summer, I really want to get another computer and I have been pricing the Apple machines. I really want to get the MacBook Pro.”

Money and Jean, I need to add have an odd relationship of sorts. For her, money provides a sense of safety and security, as it should with anybody. I, on the other hand, am not that attached to money. Maybe it was because I was buffered from any lack of money as I like to think my grandfather was a tobacco farmer on the side compared to his day job as a prison boiler plant supervisor. By no stretch of he imagination was my family rich, I was just buffered. Adding to that, the symbolism of money was shattered to me at an early age. My mom’s companion was the Black Diogenes, Socrates gone mad. He was the anti materialist. He drove around in clunkers or what we call hoop-tees. Three things were important to him, his house, his books and his two families, his legal wife and child and his cloaked wife and adopted stepchild. Oh yes, he valued education over anything else. I’ll never forget this, when I was offered a two-month scholarship to study journalism at Northwestern University, I actually wanted to stay home and make money to pay off my credit cards. He and my mom were like, NO! This is a once in a life time opportunity. You’ve won a competitive scholarship at the age of 19. So, off to Chicago you go! Never mind it was for two months. But I had fun and learn an odd lesson with money. Scholarship supersedes debt. In hindsight, it’s a nasty rationalization I learned. This was only furthered with his $50.00 Christmas party trick. One Christmas he wanted to demonstrate that he was not a slave to money. So what did he do, he took out a crisp $50.00 bill and burned it up in smoke. This was to teach me that money only has power, when you give it power. This strangely was my introduction to existentialism. Anyway back to our summit, Jean was lukewarm to the idea of my new Mac.
“I know you want this computer, can’t you write a grant to get it?”
“Jean, the grant process takes time. I simply don’t have the time nor the interest in writing a grant to get the computer I know I need.”
“Honey, how much are you planning to spend on it?” she asks.
“Well, like I said, they are pricey, but the upside is that I don’t have to buy anymore virus software.” I thought this would be a selling point.
“Ok but how much?”
“Well the one I want is going to cost $1800.00.” This is what I ironically call the pregnant pause. Only a husband really knows how the mind of their spouse works. Remember, we don’t have arguments, we have full-blown conference debates which are more civil spoken from positions of fact rather than emotion. The only problem is that the facts are emotionally driven. On to round two: Jean opens,
“I’ve been doing some checking, I think you can get a refurbished Mac for a little less. When I went on the Apple website, you can get this computer for $300.00 less.” Here is where I become defensive,
“May I ask you a question please? Why is it when you want something, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, but when I want something, we have to really debate it. When you bought that E-machine a year ago, I bit my lip and shut my mouth. When you went to Europe earlier in December, with a grant, knowing my objections you still went? For you, I demonstrate deference through compromise, where as for me, I’m shown the balance sheet. Why?”
“Honey, I didn’t say you couldn’t get the computer,”
Enter knee jerk response,
“Well, thank you dear, that said, I don’t remember seeking your permission to do so.” Ok wrong thing to say, but as one who is sensitive to language, it just came out.
“What I am saying Michael,” oh shit, when she says Michael, it’s a new dynamic,
“is that there are different ways to do it. If you write a grant, it doesn’t come out of your pocket. That’s the only reason I went to Germany.” This is where I have one of those ‘my life is a sitcom moments’ because I do realize she has a point, but the male testosterone refuses to let me give in, so what do I do?
“I need a time out.” So as I take my time out, going down the stairs I’m admittedly having my own temper tantrum, “Damn I can’t believe this shit. Why is it that I can’t get what I want ,with my own damn money, without a fucking debate. I know I’m 38 years old. It says so on my drivers license, but I feel like I’m fucking thirteen. I know I’m grown, I have a job, I pay a mortgage, I pay a car note, I’m taking care of my family yet I have to say wife, may I? I can’t believe the audacity behind this shit. I have to actually ask my wife, darling, may I please spend my own damn money? If I don’t, then she’s going to get her fucking jaws tight. Ain’t this some shit? I don’t give a damn, fuck it. So what if she’s right, its still my damn money. The 5000 dollar check is written to me damn it. Shit.” Now mind you, I am saying all this in my mind; not out loud, because again, I want peace and quiet. From there, I looked at my TV set. This is a bad-ass TV if I do say so myself. Not for its functionality, but how I got it. I paid only 178 dollars for it. A 36 inch television set that I only paid 178 dollars for. Hmm. Craigslist! Ok everybody’s happy, I save money, I get my computer and everybody’s happy. So after I go upstairs and propose the new idea she seems happy, and I can go to sleep with peace and quiet, well almost peace and quiet, our two year-old, Red Chief is well, he and sleep still don’t vibe yet. Ok so I get my Mac, paying 1300 dollars for it. I am in Mac heaven until I have to purchase a new hard-drive. Now I know why the son of a bitch was so damn cheap. Now fast forward to May of the same year. The conversation is brief but we have it anyway.
“Michael, I need to upgrade computers.” Oh no, I hear the rock falling into the bottomless pit. I can’t object because I just bought my Mac. All I can say is OK. Off to the best buy we go and 600 dollars is gone just like that because I was allowed to spend 1300 dollars on my Mac. I lug the computers and the boxes upstairs trying to keep my mouth shut because I want to be fair; why, because I just spend 1300 dollars on a Mac. Why are we buying this computer again honey?
“Because I need it for my online teaching.” All I can say is OK, why because I just spent $1300.00 on my Mac. So at this point we have how many computers in our house. Lets see there is the E-machine she had before we were married, then there was the Compac I had which I used strictly as my Frankenstein computer (my computer I was going to turn into a monster when I had time) then there was the other E-Machine she purchased only a year ago, there was my HP that I purchased when I started my Ph.D. program, then there was her IBM laptop she purchased with a grant, there was my new Mac and now her new Dell. In short we had enough computers to run our own business. Alrighty then. August when we get back together, as she rolls into the court room, she pops up with a new, BRAND New Sony Viao laptop. The Viao was like the corvette of PCs. It incidentally costs $2000.00. I’m too happy that we are getting back together so I ignore the purchase for now but you could add another computer to the mix. What I was noticing was that all her computers were grossly infected with viruses or spyware, where as me, I was chugging along, When I buy items particularly computer hardware, I’m going to take care of it, take it through serious maintenance to keep it running correctly at all costs because I am that dependent upon them. So again, the Mac is the computer for me. We go shopping one day, I had come into a little good fortune and I wanted to treat the family out to a nice dinner. Right after dinner, we go to the shoe store. She bought what I thought was one pair of Danskos. To their credit, they are incredible shoes, which are worth the money. I bought a pair a year and a half ago and not only are they comfortable on my feet but they last. Danskos are good business professional clogs that are worth the $120.00. In fact my purchasing philosophy is this, buy what has the long term return on the investment. I apply this to many of my big ticket items and some small ones. This is why I will buy K-Swiss classic sneakers. They are like Volvos, you can’t kill them. Same with the Danskos, you can’t kill them either. That said, Jean buys one pair that I see. Three days later, two additional pairs come to the house. So I am taking a look at all the money that’s been spent inside of a summer. One $600.00 computer, one $2000.00 laptop, 3 pairs of shoes totaling $360.00. Incidentally, the shoe purchases really hit an all time high when at the start of our separation I discovered she purchased a $260.00 pair of sneakers. Not Jordans, but orthopedic sneakers and yes, I was still being tapped for money by Jean. So shoe-wise, I saw 620 dollars walking out the door literally. These no-nos were not Manolos. They were Danskos. Rick James said cocaine is a hell of a drug, manic-depression, it’s a hell of a disorder.