Being Grounded

Before anyone even thinks about it--no I have not been grounded by anyone in my family, especially at the age of 39. However, I have been grounded by my academic advisor. For those who don't quite understand what I am talking about, please allow me to put this into better terms. There was this ABD fellowship program in Washington State University which had all expenses paid and even offered a $3000.00 stipend...This would look good on my CV--however, after sharing my desire to take such an academic junket, she pretty much got parentalistic with me. Russell, you have 12 interviews and transcriptions you have to complete. You are a PhD candidate which means this entire summer needs to be focused on your research.... DAMN! There goes my trip to Spain-- well that was kinda off anyway being that all my money has been funneled in directions I prefer not. Ok, when I think about it-- I've come this far - why do something completely foolish and not finish... This past week I also had a visit with one of my two therapist. The one thing one learns in transitions like mine is this: it takes a fool to learn. Though I like the Spinners, their music is bittersweet to me because it brings back the bad memories of my own parents breakup. Note to anyone who is listening or reading... If you have to go through a transition of this nature: Rule number 1 avoid lawyers at all costs. I mean lawyers are a part of the process but when you really think about it, lawyers really are nothing more than MMA fighters with credentials who fight in the cages of the court system. When I think about our wedding, (which incidentally our anniversary is today) we spent $7500.00 on the wedding. We have yet to sign anything which formally and legally separates us and combined we have spent $12000.00 already. Sitting on the couch of my white liberal therapist, I just had to confess dropping the F bomb, I feel like such a F---ing fool. $12000.00 we have spent which had we actually kept up with marriage therapy would only have been a 10th of the cost. Rule number 2 do everything you have to do to save the marriage. Separation doesn't always equal divorce. Don't get it twisted, there are some just straight up deal breakers out there, assault, rape, chemical dependency. Those are real deal breakers. The isht that was happening in my circle of chaos really isn't worth a $20,000.00 divorce. The parts of our marriage and I have no problem admitting my short comings-I failed really to look at marriage as a business in some respects. Now to be fair, i will not mention my spouse's issues because it wouldn't be fair. But a good quote from one of my favorite play's Neil Simon's The Odd Couple, Oscar tells Felix it takes two to have a bad marriage. Rule number 3--listen. Listening doesn't always mean affirmation but it means being critical of information and preceptive of your spouse. Not everything is going to always jibe and be in perfect harmony. In those situations the one adage which holds true is this: if momma ain't happy, nobody's happy. In our heart of hearts, we fellas want to be right. Its the competitive nature in us. Its our beautiful nightmare which can really kick us in the ass. I mean after leaving my attorney's office feeling fairly confident that she had done her job and we would prevail on all counts in the case, I was like wait a min here. Is being right really worth it. Damn I'm right, I won't but damn if I feel good about it. Rule number 4: children are the center of your marriage. Every decision should be guided by one's child. It took me sitting at barnes and nobel drinking a latte when the sprit of my Grandfather walked through the door and just stared at me. Note my grandfather is among the dearly departed however, I am one who believes in the idea of the Roho's-- sprits or haints who show up when you least expect it and in their way, come back to check on you or put you in check. In this case I was sitting at a table and the door just blew open and stayed open. I know there is some scientific explanation for it due to air pressure and a windy day, but I have always been one who is psychically and spiritually connected and I interpreted that as a sign that my grandfather was not happy with my behavior. Rule number 5: Love is not a state of mind or a state of the heart, Love is a state of organized chaos which we willingly go into. When you love someone, you will do some crazy things. You will go to Europe with no money, You will take a lot of crap, One will put themselves in some crazy situations because they love their partner or spouse. Love and marriage are two different things. Marriage is a business and truism 886 states no romance without finance. Seriously, when the money is funny, aint a damn thing funny. Sex like cable television, your cell phone, can easily get cut off when the money isn't right. I mean brothers could be archetypical, I mean sexual gymnasts getting 10s every night, but when that check ain't there, your sexual privileges are subject to a 90 day suspension. This of course when non married couples re-evaluate their relationships where as married couples (in many cases the wife takes the kids--go watch Love Jones-) take a hiatus from the marriage. Now the K9 in many of us brothers initially will old up the peace sign and say alright, I got some time . I can go vibe for a while and have these indiscreet relations. Mind you that's the wolf in us. After four days, we then say OK, enough playing come on back home. She does and then proceeds to pack your bags and you leave the house. To alleviate this, rule number six, have two finicial plans. One for the house and one for the emergency kickout. In nearly every marriage at least once, the brother is going to be on the outside of the door without a key. Have a back up stash to keep yourself ready for hose just incase moments.
Ok I am sleepy now-- in the words of casey casem, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars..