Today I had an interaction with the boy which to me was more like an epiphany.
Today-we got off to a little late start due to the fact we had to help a friend with an errand last night. This morning when the boy wanted a cracker and didn't ask for it in diplomatic way, he began to push me-then swing. This of course required me putting him in a time out. One of the things I am learning as a parent is that violence only begets more violence and I really don't want to teach that to him.. just because my generation got lit up doesn't mean I have to cary on the family business.
After he calmed down and understood why I put him in time out, we talked and I heard him say some things to me which actually were quite profound for someone at 3.5 years of age. From my perspective de chief appears to be frustrated and unfortunately, the only way he really knows how to express his angst, is basically through physical tantrums. Looking through--and honestly, it takes a lot to look through an action as opposed to seeing the action, I asked why was he upset beyond his immediate want for the crackers. The answer I got floored me.
His world was disrupted and guess who the chief disrupters were: I now pronounce you man and wife. We were doing him a gross disservice as parents and unfortunately it's being manifested through his behavior. There are at least three levels why a child would be discombobulated--
1) I think the going back and forth from one residence to the other is a factor.
2) The fact that he doesn't see both his of his parents and his dog in the place he calls home represents factor number 2.
3) The obvious negativity he is exposed to from both sides is bleeding into his world-- to be honest, its the equivilant of injecting someone with battery acid (I got that from the film the Mack)
Children in the midst of transitions such as these deserve so much better than what parents do-including myself in that group. Kids should not have to pay for parental transgressions and guess what, that is exactly what happens day in and day out. Realizing this, I became disgusted with myself because I as son's dad allowed that to happen. Kids, God willing, one day will get older and eventually begin to ask some serious questions. Parents on the whole will look pretty damn stupid having to answer for some of the most ignorant and self destructive behavior they choose to engaged in.
Daddy, mommy (or someone in your family) says you didn't value us by purchasing food--is it true you didn't buy us any food?
Mommy, daddy (or someone in my family) says that you threw daddy out of the house because he hit you--is it true, did daddy hit you, did he hit me?
These types of question are only the beginning and the reason I know is because I can speak from first hand experience. I asked my dad questions like those when I was 33 and I am sure it hit him like a brick. I posed similar questions like this to my mom when I was 17 and she was stunned.
The chief person any parent should look to for respect and validation believe it are their children. Sadly, parents, if they don't choose to address these matters with sensitivity, run the risk of becoming viral, acting offensively engaging in tactics which are just plain obscene.
Maybe people make the wrong decision getting married. This could equate to why there will always be the need for divorce lawyers. Maybe people are unsure about marriage after the deed is done, which to could attribute the need for marriage counselors. Regardless, when two become three, the two take a backseat to the needs of the one or two or even three. Inextricably linked for life is the bottom line. How people choose to live within that link is entirely up to them. It can be healthy or it can be toxic.
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