Nobody Told Me There Would Be Days Like These

If ever I am fortunate enough to have someone turn my blog into a television sitcom, preferably on HBO or Showtime, the one thing I would insist upon would be having say so on the opening credits. The opening song would be the classic song by John Lennon, Nobody Told Me. I think that is the theme of my life at least right now. Nobody told me there would be days like these. I think I hit my point of breaking yesterday. It was really a crappy day, I mean pissy. Almost everything in the world--maybe the world is dramatic,--things that could have gone wrong yesterday is probably a better way of putting it. What could have gone wrong in my immediate 360 degrees that could blow up did. Nothing really went right except that I woke up. Well, I did have a place to wake up in. I didn't have to eat food supplied by the state, let alone out of a garbage can. I did have full use of my extremities and didn't have to rely on a machine to breath for me. Despite the fact that I do not have a steady means of employment, I can get to a job because I do have reliable transportation. Even as I am writing this blog, as I am about to launch into the silliness I am presently going through, I do have a computer-proabably one of the most powerful computers in this barnes and noble. In fact I actually can't really complain, now that I am thinking about it. I could be in prison having to explain the reason why to my son. So I have to be thankful for what I do have and work with it until things change for the better. Ok now that I have had my moment of reflection for the day. On to my gripe of the day.
The one thing I can say about my ethnography of being among the lower middle class-- remember, a year ago today, I was among the middle to upper middle class, is that unfortunately there is a drastic change in the quality of service one experiences when they are dependent upon the state for any type of financial assistance. It is a lowly place to be. I mean it is the bottom and I can honestly say that Idid not wish or have an aspiration to be in this position I am in right now. Anyone who thinks people are here because they wish to be are just completely nuts. I wish I could somedays just do just as conservative pundits put it, pull myself up by my boot straps and go out and find that job and get my family back in one piece as opposed to it being fractured as it is. I wish that the problems my estranged wife and I had were just non existent. However, denial is not an option afforded to me. Acceptance is. Is it painful-- the word painful derived from the word pain-- is absurd to describe the emotional grief I am experiencing right now.. Aside from being displaced, uncomfortable, its like a feeling of being vulnerable, susceptible to anything. I can honestly say that I am not immune to the psychological effects of this. What is happening to me. How do I feel? Dejected, despondent, harassed, I am not who I was a year ago. I feel depressed, anxious, pressured hurt. Yesterday, I nearly had one of my 1 out of 3 people days. I think a better word for it is probably the bailout day. An extremely good friend of mine told me back in August when this thing actually began, to leave her with a list of three people -- my ICE list -- in case of emergency. In case of emergency one of these three people must be notified because either one or a combination of these three people have the ability to talk me down from potentially stupid situations. Now a stupid situation is defined as where I would do something excessively disruptive to myself, or to someone one else. Each person on this list doesn't even know that they are on this exclusive link to my sanity. The person who made me develop the list is mad at me right now because they felt I was a bit cryptic in my call them. So what made me think I was having a bailout day yesterday? When one is in an apartment by themselves, I mean with literally nothing, just themselves a computer and a phone and they are acutely depressed-- the mind can become one's worst enemy. I was scared, alone, and I couldn't think clearly because of the externals. The externals were the things that were just yapping at my heals-- the lawyers, the finances, the animosity, the physical looniness suddenly became a psychic isolation. When one becomes psychically isolated, its only a matter of time before the psychic becomes spiritual and the spiritual becomes physical and then nihilism sets in. When that happens, one then becomes extremely dangerous. If they lose consciousness of the self then that individual looses all regard for others and then anything can happen.
Barnes and Noble actually now is a cruel joke that is being plaid on me by the folks above me. I'll tell you why. Barnes and Noble is where my wife and I met for the second time. It's where I think about what attracted me to her initially. It was September 2001 right after the World Trade Center Attacks. I was in the African American section-books that is, and I saw the hair, then her tail. She had nice buttocks. :) The skin was a walnut complexion and her hair, though it wasn't done to perfection, it still was nice to me. Honey blond I called it. She saw me looking though I tried to play it off. I didn't work because she remembered my name. For me this was not good because I didn't know hers let alone remember her until she called me out. Then I had some recollection. As we talked she told me that she was completing her PhD. I was impressed. I told her that I had plans of starting mine. I think from that point we had our first real connection. We both were academics and from what I perceived intellectuals. I mean in all seriousness we were two nerds, I was just going through the neo soul revolution of sorts where as she was a bit more conservative than me. Now here is where the cruel joke comes in, nine years later, as I am completing my PhD, I am in barnes and noble and every woman I see with wall nut complexion, a nice ass and various variations of hair color reminds me of her. They could be older or younger but every time I see one that has just the basic attributes, I see her. Isn't that twisted... Now, I know I was in love with her. That's the sad thing about love and marriage. Love to me at least represents organized self induced chaos. It's the shit (pardon my language) that one is willing to put up with. Its the continuous trips to hell and back that one allows them self to take because they because they know what life was like without them vs with them and they just cannot see the world without them.. Marriage should not be confused with love because marriage represents nothing but a contract which says we are in a committed relationship which can be enforced by law. Thats the bare bones of marriage. Its a contract that one signs with the aspiration of staying in love. The hope that one does not fall out of love with them. When one falls out of love, it basically means one of the parties has taken the trip to hell and back one time too many and now your existence is just begging to piss me off. That's when love takes a bitter turn and becomes disdain, despise, hate. Like the song says, its a thin line between love and hate. I now know what that means..
Like I said, Nobody told me there would be days like these.... Strange days indeed...(John Lennon)