The one thing I hated growing up as a kid was seeing my mom and dad fight. As I kid I felt so powerless. Be ware of the ides of spring. I say that because as the sun comes out the clothes on people become less and less. That can be a positive or a negative depending on ones interpretation. Back to my post. Yesterday I was transported back to being 7 years old because I heard Jocasta venting like a banshee about here expectations for my future amid this bacdrop of transition. With her scolding me while Red Chief was sleeping I I'm trying to advocate on the side of being fair. In the midst of the conversation I flat out tell Jocasta that the remarks are acidic and not productive. I am probably one of the people who actually feel that under no circumstances should anyone say derogatory statements about a co-parent, especially in the presence of the child. It just is poor judgement. So as things progress, Jocasta goes down stairs still venting while get Red Chief ready for school. But noting is good enough for Jocasta. She continues to rip, continues to probe until finally I have to go to bathroom and I just start crying. I was so nervous on multiple levels. I nervous because whenever Jocasta goes off, immediately I am placed in the role of being subservient. What was even worse for me, was that I was taken back to the point where i was 7 years old and had to see my mom and dad bicker in front of me. Then it really gets heavy. The same things that I don't want for myself, which i don't want for him, he is experiencing. I could just remember myself in the bathroom just sobbing to myself, why is she doing this? Why is she doing this to him. He's innocent, non corrupted, but the tone and domineering demeanor are corrosive yet Jocasta doesn't see it. Eventutally I pull myself together but in the car, Red Chief is singing his ABCs and to hear his voice, so child like, so innoncent, again brings me to tears because part of me feels as though I failed him as a parent. Part of me felt as though I wasn't there to buffer him from that. Part of me feels as though I failed him because he now will grow up in the majority of kids with single parents. i don't want that for Red Chief. I feel that he deserves so much better, and I let him down. It's kinda hard absorbing the bits and pieces of transition. Well there is no kinda to it, simply put it is.. Money spent, emotions spent, hostilities at crazy highs,. The one thing I can take away from this particular experience in my life as I approach 40 is well hell after taking time to think, I don't know what to take. Its just so nummbing. i look at the pictures, I see the memories the time he was brough home from the hospital and the high hopes we had as we started our new life as a family-- Then the state of dis-ease hits and then chaos begins.
Tips to those: Especially African American Dads going through transitions such as this:
1) Place your child first at all costs. -- In the you and the co-parent are the ones who are responsible for binging this new being into the world. Whether or not the relationship with your co-parent contiues, the bottom line is the child always is priority 1.
2) Don't ever under any circumstances forget rule number 1.
3) Man up and accept responsibility. I don't mean for the relationship-but for the child. We as parents are the exclusive teachers of our children. The child, and I have accepted this, will always look to their parents as those who set the model. Do the right thing right now and lay a strong rock solid foundation.
4) I got this one from a book: Don't allow the court system to introduce you to your children. Be there, be engaged, be active in your child's development. How does one do this. Half the battle as the saying goes is showing up. By that, be there. Let him or her watch you prepare the meals, be there at practice, be there at the daycare if you have one, do things that are free. In my case--Red Chief loves trains, planes and automobiles. The things we do on the cheep,, are more enriching than any toy I could buy him. An example of this i got from my childhood. I remember my dad bought me airplane (battery powered at that) that just went around making plan noises shooting out sparks. i was afraid of the damn thing. But then when my dad took me to the airport to watch the planes take off and land. That was magical because I then understood why the toy plane was doing what it did-- it was taxing . How much did that cost us? Time.
5) know your parenting style and then work with what you got and build upon the rest. There are quite a few parenting styles out there.. i am not an authority but i will say this, in my case--i had to learn that i am a bit authoritarian meaning bossy. However, now knowing that, I can learn from my limitations and accentuate the positive while learning to work with the areas I need improvement.
6) discipline does not mean you are a bad parent. Discipline means you love your child, so much to the point where you are willing to direct him or her in making the best choices while protecting him/her from themselves. i.e., no you cannot stay up past 9:00, no, you cannot walk across the street without mom or dad--do you think putting the cup at the edge of the sofa is a good idea? I am going to count to 5 and if you fail to comply, you will be in time out.
7) I have come to understand this.. Toddlers cry. Toddlers cry when they don't get their way. Toddlers will stop crying. Here is the funny part, you as the parent have to remain cool. You've got to keep it together.. This means when they cry. Or at least I do this. if Red Chief cries, I give him enough space to allow him to do his thing give him three mins to let it all out. After, i guide him out of his tantrum by asking him to count to ten. Now this is where logic comes into play. He can't solve his problem if he is out of control. Contain the tantrum first, then re-direct the behavior. Now its not always easy but so far that's the best way to address the tantrums
8) Don't cry over spilt milk. Sounds cliche but it is the truth. Crying over split milk and cleaning spilt milk are two different actions. What's more important? Grieving milk which was spilled or cleaning the milk which was spilled. Strangely, there will be more messes to clean up than one will have enough time to cry about.
9) Get exercise, eat properly, and get sleep....a healthy dad is better use to a child than a dad in the hospital. Take preventative measures to keep yourself healthy. If it means that prostate exam, go get it. If it means shedding 50 pounds, get to shedding. If it means stop smoking--kick the habit... here is a link which might be of assistance
10) Pray
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