If any of my readers have noticed, I haven't posted much this week. For me that is a good thing. In the words of Hal 9000 all systems nominal. I did something I haven't really done in a while, went back to work.. On my dissertation that is. One of the things a close friend of mine says, (her nickname is well never mind) but still this person was the same person who pretty much took me back in the ally (figurtaively speaking) and just did the Santeno Corleone on me. The thing I remember so suscently is the quote, "It's Time!!!!" This is where the rubber meets the road and either I am going to sink or swim-- no other way to put it. After that conversation I was a bit pissed with her-- but then after I was pissed, removing the emotion from everything-- she hit me with that thing called Truth. That shit can hurt. I had to really look at myself look at my actions and as I was stripped raw i didn't like what I saw. I was becoming a person immersed in depression, self pity, making stupid decisions, having stupid thoughts. I mean in short-- I got stuck on stupid in the worst way. Then it dawn on me.... Life is just a game, we're all just the same--(Prince) The thing that is so hard for me to accept is that failure is apart of life and failure only has power that one gives to it. Ok so shit didn't go right today--Tomorrow is another day to do with as you please. In the back of my mind- i hear the voice of the character "Devon Miles" saying -- "take care of yourself, we can regroup to fight another day." However, knowing me, knowing the person I am I would rather die in battle rather than submit to defeat. And from there, I think honestly, that is the person I am. What I am experiencing in all honesty is nothing more than a test. if you hit the canvas are you down for the count? Are you-meaning me--bad enough to turn failure into victory? I can't believe how out of my gorge I was but damn it if I was not out there being a dumb ass. I don't know if they have a term for it but i think I could coin one up, a recovering separated spouse.
How do I know I am on the road to recovery?
Well the following things took place this week...
1) I took charge of me being a parent again. This meant no longer being afraid of disciplining my child and no longer being afraid of my co-parent will or will not do. Again, the only person I can control is me. I live for myself and my son. His respect represents the only opinion and respect that matters. I see that now.
2) I stayed at my apartment for two nights in a row by myself. OK now for some that may seem small but for me it was a big step. I have no furniture (yet) but at the same time I have a place to lay my head, a comforter and right now that's a lot considering others have far less than that.
3) There was some crap with my co-parent, minor but still it represented crap. Without going into details allow me to say that ok this person is going to do whatever they wish to do and I can't change that. For me I just had to let it go.. Chalk it off to this individual being them. That being the case, petty actions do not necessitate me being equally petty. Who I am, who I always have been represents one who is regal and above such foolishness. Getting back to my perch my position my inner self (though its a journey) makes me realize things happen for whatever reason. If life has dealt you a shitty hand, bluff.
4) I am becoming more engaged in the present and the future. My present is this: finish my degree, get a job to get the job I want. Give my son a positive legacy and future. An example of this came today when I placed a call to Howard University about my student aid for the final year of school. I was awarded 12,000 for the whole year. This was a discrepancy in the worst way. In my post state i would have been more in my nasty funk and not even know about it or just say it will work itself out. Instead, in my present state I vetted the problem-- went to the root of the problem and fixed it quickly. Ironically I placed one zero too many for adjusted gross income. When the person asked me did I report making $600,000.00 for the year. I was like no (though I do wish it were the case) so quickly I fixed it and now I think the right amount will be added to my aid package.
Life is not actually not too bad after all...
I think I am going to get back to mine and reclaim the time I lost and make the most of what i have to get to where I want to be :)
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